The Raisin

Oberlin College Feminists Discuss Feminism

2011-02-17T16:51:00.000-05:00

Oberlin, OH

In a recent meeting members of the Oberlin College Feminists gathered in a room to discuss Feminism.

Combination of CDS Food and One-Ply Toilet Paper Continues to Ravage Student Sphincters

2010-10-14T16:35:00.002-04:00

Oberlin, OH

   Suffering on behalf of the environment comes naturally to many Oberlin students. Lately, however, some say the suffering has become unbearable. Students have protested the College's decision to stock campus bathrooms with one-ply toilet paper in a smattering of recent on-campus protests. Signs with phrases such as "Not a Jock but I still Got 'Roid Rage," "I EAT IT, I USE IT, I BLEED IT," and "RAW FOOD NOT RAW ASSHOLES" have been making the rounds on the protest circuit.

        The problem has become so extensive that students have attempted to draw the administration's attention to the issue with a new Tumblr account titled "ObieRoids," a forum for students to upload photos of their damaged sphincters. "Fuck yeah I posted a photo of me spreading my asscheeks," said an anonymous senior. "I want those bastards in Cox to see what four years of one-ply can do to a perfectly good cornhole. That shit is beyond repair," he added.

        Many Oberlin students have opted out of wiping entirely. "There's just no reason for me to wipe my ass if it's going to get torn up. I'd rather walk around with poop in my pants all day than bleed out on my American Apparel 100% cotton underwear. I got it in New York this summer when I was doing an internship at this gallery. It was pretty cool, I met a lot of awesome people and made good connections. It's all about networking. That's how you get ahead," said Oberlin Senior Cooper Rogers.

Students in Kahn, the new first-year "door", are lucky enough to have bidets installed in all of their bathrooms. "If I'm shitting on campus, I'm shitting in my dorm," said Kahn resident Eva Klein. The integration of bidets into Kahn has infuriated many upperclassmen and has served as the motivation for the protests around campus. "Those little fuckers think they can wash their assholes in the comfort of their new LEED Certified dorm without me making a stink? I think not. I'll use baby wipes before I use that one-ply shit," said a third-year who only referred to himself as D'Greezy.

   A student group going by the name of "Save our Sphincters" has planned a rally in Wilder Bowl this Friday, October 15th during T.G.I.F. weather permitting. The Raisin was unsuccessful in contacting ResEd Staff to conduct interviews for this article.

Commons-Bizhub Infected with Stuxnet Virus

2010-10-11T18:26:00.004-04:00

Oberlin, OH

      According to documents obtained by The Raisin the printing system known as Commons-Bizhub located in Mudd Library has been infiltrated by the malicious Stuxnet virus. Though the origins of the Stuxnet virus are currently unknown it has left a wake of destruction as it has traveled around the world. Developed to target "critical information infrastructure" it is reported that Stuxnet has caused damage to nuclear reactors located in Iran among other high-profile systems around the world.

      The degree of severity of the damage sustained by Commons-Bizhub is not known at this moment. It has been made public that Stuxnet is responsible for the automatic duplexing of all documents printed within Mudd Library. It is likely that Stuxnet is also responsible for the perpetual errors plaguing the Pharos® printing software used in the library.

   CIT is reportedly working on the problem.

Door in Mudd "Usually Locked"

2010-10-05T23:09:00.002-04:00

Oberlin, OH-

According to information acquired by Raisin staff, a door located within Mudd Library which is "usually locked." While other doors in the library are always locked, sometimes locked, usually unlocked or always unlocked, this door is different and bears a label which makes note of this difference. "The importance of the status of the lock on this particular door is great and cannot be overlooked. That's why we have a sign about it," said Director of Libraries Ray English. When asked to elaborate Mr. English simply pointed at the sign, pushed on the door to prove that it was indeed locked and walked away shaking his head.

Azariah's to Stop Accepting All Forms of Payment

2010-10-05T00:41:00.001-04:00

Oberlin, OH-

       According to the managers of Azariah's, located on the first floor of Mudd Library, the café will soon cease to accept all forms of payment. The decision was made to make it more difficult to use the facility, a direction Oberlin College is taking with all of its dining facilities. The managers of Azariah's decided that they would phase out ObieDollars as an accepted payment because it "made sense."

       When asked about the changes being made to Azariah's Director of Dining Michele Gross said the follwing: "Azariah's didn't accept cash, checks, credit card, or flex points. We didn't think it was appropriate to continue accepting ObieDollars as a form of payment. We're just trying to make it as difficult as possible for students to buy a $1.19 cup of coffee."

       This change comes a year after DeCafé announced a drastic reduction in its operating hours. Other changes made by CDS with the aim of inconveniencing students who pay $50,000 to attend Oberlin include removing the option to use a guest meal and checking carry-out boxes as students leave Dascomb Dining hall. The Raisin has learned that CDS will be rolling out more measures to decrease accessibility to campus dining facilities in the near future. Stay posted for updates.

Noah Simon's Entire Wardrobe Acquired at the Free Store

2010-09-17T11:08:00.001-04:00

Oberlin, OH-

The Raisin has learned that all of the clothing in the wardrobe Oberlin Student Noah Simon's wardrobe was found at the Free Store, which is located beneath Asia House. This became apparent when multiple Oberlin students began noticing that Simon was wearing clothing that formerly belonged to them. "I guess that's what the Free Store is for but honestly it's a little off-putting to see Noah Simon walking around in my old clothes. He isn't normal. I don't want him wearing my clothes," said Sophomore Joey Lubitz. "The strangest part to me is the fact that I'm a first year. I just donated some old stuff last week. The night after I brought them in I saw that Noah Simon was wearing a pair of my pants. I know they were my pants. I'm positive," added Joey.

Until recently Noah Simon's reputation around campus was built on mystique and eccentricity, much of which came from his clothing choices. Now that the origin of his wardrobe has been revealed it is likely that his reputation as a mysterious and enigmatic character will diminish significantly. Attempts by the Raisin to contact Noah Simon for an interview were not successful.

"Chamce Rockaway" Exists Only on the Internet

2010-09-15T21:18:00.001-04:00

Oberlin, OH-

   Based on data provided by the Facebook Corporation and Oberlin College the Raisin has determined that the student "Chamce Rockaway" exists only on the internet. After weeks of careful research and information processing it has become clear that no student by the name of Chamce Rockaway attends Oberlin College. While commonly known by this name, Chamce has also gone by the name of "Chase Stone" and multiple other aliases.

   After receiving many queries from members of the Oberlin Class of 2014 Raisin staff began an investigation into the existence of Chase Stone/Chamce Rockaway and recently came to the conclusion that this digital person was a product of other Oberlin Students determined to download information from the Facebook profiles of other Oberlin students by "friending" them as Chase/Chamce.

   Any additional queries regarding the reality of Chamce Rockaway/ Chase Stone should be directed to oberlinraisin@gmail.com.

Oberlin College to Accept Ploids® as Alternative Meal Payment

2010-09-15T21:08:00.001-04:00

Oberlin, OH-

In a surprise announcement the Office of Residential Education released a statement today that Central Dining Services would begin to accept Ploids® as payment for Board Meals. The announcement came as a surprise to many but ResEd was ready to justify their decision. "We're aware of the amount of Ploids that students have been collecting due to increased consumption of Cheetos®, Doritos® and other Frito-Lay® Products," said Molly Tyson, the head of Residential Education in an interview conducted by The Raisin.

Tyson also added that "It is the aim of Oberlin College to accommodate students with differing eating preferences such as Vegetarians, Vegans, students subscribing to Kosher dining rules, Ploid® collectors and more. "

Ploids® will be accepted at Stevenson Dining Hall, Dascomb Dining Hall, The Rathskellar and DeCafe beginning Monday, September 20.

For more information on Planet Lunch/Ploids, direct your web browser to the Ploids® web portal here.

Commons_ALPHA defeats Commons_OMEGA

2010-05-20T12:06:00.000-04:00

Oberlin, OH-

   In what has surely been one of the most interesting and long-lasting rivalries at Oberlin College, Commons_ALPHA finally defeated primary enemy Commons_OMEGA on Wednesday, May 19th during the evening printing rush of finals week. In addition to handling a greater volume of jobs Commons_ALPHA consistently printed in higher quality and DPI since both printers were installed in early 2002.
   While ALPHA was generally considered to have the upper hand, not all had left OMEGA for dead. "I really thought OMEGA had a chance," said sophomore Julie Darwing as she wept into her palms. "Poor OMEGA," she added as she sobbed uncontrollably.
   A memorial service for Commons_OMEGA will be held beneath the Mudd ramp and will be followed by a forum on printer inequality titled "Printing in the 21st Century: Ink, Lies and DPI: A Hierarchy of Digital Hatred: The Barren Landscape of Industrial Printers & The Bleak Future the Lies Ahead."

GIRL GETS SHORT HAIRCUT

2010-05-14T14:13:00.000-04:00

oberlin, oh

today a girl who used to be a long hair girl got all the hairs on her head trimmed and now is a short hair girl. the IRONY IS OVERHWLEMING! the fashion is so common but the material for the article is too much not too!

the online blog decides to write an article for the haircut because it can make all the students laugh!because it is common grounds! because everyone knows their friend who did it!!!!!!!!1

okay so twe're all in on the joke together about the short haircut! and we hope you enjoy the article!!

FRIDAY NIGHT.

2010-05-12T17:56:00.009-04:00

SO IT GOES LIKE THIS:

THIS PARTY IS GREAT! GOD WE HAVE FUN. WE'VE RUN OUT OF BEER BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE WE DON'T NEED TO DRINK TO HAVE FUN AND PLUS MIKE'S COLLECTING MONEY FOR A RUN TO JOHNNY'S AND HE'S GOT LIKE 6 BUCKS ALREADY.

I ASK WHAT YOUR FAVORITE BOOK IS BUT I ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU "LOVE JOAN DIDION" BECAUSE I FACEBOOK STALKED YOU BEFORE I MASTURBATED LAST WEDNESDAY NIGHT. NOT THAT THE MASTURBATION WAS IN ANY WAY LINKED TO YOUR FACEBOOK. I MEAN. IT JUST HELPS ME FALL ASLEEP. SORRY. WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS THAT I LOOKED AT YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE THEN I MASTURBATED. THEN I FELL ASLEEP. THREE SEPARATE EVENTS.
SO.

GOD THIS LIGHTING IS AWESOME. THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME I WENT TO PIER 1 IMPORTS AND BOUGHT THIS EXOTIC LIGHTING KIT? IT WAS $19.99 BUT THE CORNER PACKAGING WAS TORN SO I GOT A THREE-DOLLAR-FIFTY DISCOUNT. THE LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER JUST LOOKED AT ME LIKE "WHAT THE BUTT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THREE-DOLLAR-AND-FIFTY" AND I WAS LIKE "F*** U B**** I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!" IT WAS SO FUNNY.

HEY! REMEMBER THAT SONG FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL? I WOULD RUB MY JEANS ON YOUR JEANS? LET'S PLAY IT AGAIN BECAUSE I BET IT SOUNDS JUST AS GOOD!

WHAT CLASSES ARE YOU TAKING THIS SEMESTER?
OH.
WHAT ABOUT NEXT SEMESTER.

LOOK AT THESE PPL. THEY ARE HAVING SUCH GREAT TIME. HER FAVORITE AUTHOR IS JANE AUSTEN. PREDICTABLE, I KNOW. I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE I EVEN FRIENDED HER ON FACEBOOK.
TONIGHT THESE TWO WILL GO HOME AND RUB EACH OTHER'S JEANS. I JUST KNOW THESE THINGS.

YEAH, I KNOW. I'M TIRED TOO. I'M SOOOO BUSY TOMORROW. I'VE GOTTA WRITE THIS PAPER FOR THIS CLASS.

LOOK! SOME1 DREW BOOBS ON THE WINDOW! THIS ONE TIME ME AND MY BROS FROM WORK SPRAY PAINTED THIS DICK ON A DUMPSTER OUT BACK. IT WAS HUGE, MAN. LIKE SEVEN FEET LONG PROBABLY. IT WAS SO FUNNY.

YOU'RE TIRED TOO? YEAH. I'VE GOT THIS PAPER TO WRITE. YEAH IT IS PRETTY COOL. ALRIGHT I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BY THE WAY, WHAT'S-YOUR-MAJOR-WHAT-ARE-YOU-DOING-THIS-SUMMER-THAT'S-SO-COOL-YEAH-I'M-INTERNING-AT--

OH NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I'M TIRED TOO.

SEE YOU LATER.

- RZNCRNTZ.

NEW SUN CHIPS BAG: THE ALTMODERN POTATO CHIP?

2010-05-10T14:39:00.002-04:00

(OBERLIN, OH) -- 05/10/10

HELLO DID YOU KNOW THE NEW SUN CHIPS BAGS ARE 100% COMPOSTABLE.
DOES THAT MEAN THAT WE STILL HAVE TO THROW THEM AWAY?
HELP.

WHAT IF IN THE FUTURE WHEN ARCHAEOLOGISTS LOOK BACK THEY THINK THAT SUN CHIPS WENT BANKRUPT CIRCA 2010 BECAUSE ALL THE FOSSIL EVIDENCE HAS BEEN COMPOSTED. I'M TALKING IN TERMS OF GEOLOGICAL RECORD HERE, FOLKS.

I AM REALLY HAPPY WITH NEW ECO ADVERTISING AND DISCOUNT ENVIRONMENT (GO GREENS/SAVE MORE COAL/INCREASE LUXURY CRUISE LINER TAX) AND I MEAN I GUESS IT'S KINDA COOL THAT THEY DISAPPEAR ONCE YOU THROW THEM ON THE GROUND BUT PERSONALLY I THINK THAT THE NEW BAGS ARE REALLY LOUD. LIKE REALLY REALLY LOUD. HOW CAN I EAT IN LIBRARY WITHOUT LIBERTARIANS TELLING ME TO SHHH?

I DON'T KNOW. CALL ME RADICAL. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF NEW SUN CHIPS BAGS 100% COMPOSTABLE?

SINCERE,
RAISNCRNTZZZ.

2010-05-09T18:59:00.000-04:00

you forgot to call your mom today.

when you're talking to her you won't be able to stop thinking about this ugly lady

and you might even start laughing about her big front tooth!

happy mom's day

Grape Comment Sections a Lively Forum for Spirited Debate

2010-05-07T05:36:00.000-04:00

Oberlin, OH

On the Grape's flashy and frequently-updated new website the comment boards have proven to be an invaluable tool for spirited and healthy debate among students who just want to discuss the news. Some of the threads have been such huge catalysts that they have received over 9,000 comments.
A recent article posted in December of 2009 about Lady Gaga has received 1455 comments at the time this article went to press. Carrying on the legacy of Oberlin students to be loquacious and substantive at the same time, the commenters on this post had quite a bit to say. Below are excerpts from the comments left on this article:

While the comments appear to be spam from an overaggressive robot, Grape staff aggressively refute these claims. They suggest that "Oberlin kids are just too quirky for their own good. Their intellect has lead them to comment nonsensical hyperlinks thousands of times on our blog. That's just what the Grape does to you."

To check out the comments on the Grape's new and anything-but-defunct website, click here and give 'er a scroll.

TECHNOLOGY

2010-05-05T20:09:00.001-04:00

Here at the Raisin, we're concerned with how much young people are using technology. You are looking at this screen right now, you have been looking at it for a long time and you are going to look at it for a long time after this. Those are the cold, hard fax.

You should consider decreasing the amount of time you spend looking at screens.

If you are considering this send an email to the following address:

www.littledad.com@gmail.com

In this email include your OCMR and a passion of yours. Within a day or two you will find a postcard that attempts to interpret your passion and re-create it in the form of a drawing.

Also feel free to leave an anonymous comment with your OCMR below this sequence of words and punctuation.

If you enjoy the postcard you receive you will be given the opportunity to request another one (and even to send one to us).

Sending and receiving can be a fun way to reduce the amount of time you spend looking at screens and can be a great way to communicate with friends, celebrities, corporations and webmasters.

We hope you have understood the above text and are willing to take the eQuest that lies ahead.

Do this quickly- it won't be long until we are no longer in this place.

thefutureisnow

2010-05-04T03:03:00.001-04:00

2010-05-04T02:00:00.000-04:00

THREE CLOWNS WANT US TO KEEP POSTING

Readership:

2010-04-30T14:12:00.000-04:00

Oberlin, OH-

Are you people still reading this?

If you are, write a comment below. The thing is, we just don't know who is reading this. Maybe it's Ehrai Adams, Molly Tyson, Linda Gates and Caroline Jackson Smith. Maybe it's the Jazz Faculty, the Theater Department or perhaps even Ray A. English and Reading Girl

Perhaps it is students who are concerned with the ongoing Israel-Palestine Conflict.

ObieGame Clues??? LOok NO FURTHER!

Write a comment

cometnet

chaoemtn
coment
coment
comen
content

perhaps it is us, refreshing our pages over and over to bolster the hit counter (an artifact from web 1.0)

Stevie Wonder's Special Guest Revealed: THE VILLAGE PEOPLE!

2010-04-28T02:07:00.001-04:00

Oberlin, OH-

THe RaiSIN® has learned that Stevie Wonder will be performing Saturday night with special guest "The Village People." They will be performing such hits as "In the Navy," "Macho Man" and their smash single "YMCA."

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Little Dad

2010-04-25T14:56:00.000-04:00

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FEEL FREE TO EMAIL US AT WWW.LITTLEDAD.COM@GMAIL.COM FOR QUERIES, QUEUES, SPELLING QUESTIONS, GRANDMATICAL ERRORS AND MORE.

LITTLE DAD

ResEd to Turn Dascomb Into Senior Housing (But Actually)

2010-04-25T14:54:00.000-04:00

Oberlin, OH-

   While Oberlin College's Office of Residential Education has made bad decisions before, this may very well be their worst. ResEd recently disclosed a plan to renovate Dascomb Residence & Dining hall during the 2010-2011 school year in order to convert the facility into living space for Oberlin College seniors. "We just want the students to be as unhappy as possible," Resed staff were quoted as saying. "These poor bastards have worked their asses off for three years and will have paid us $50,000 every year to do so. We just thought it would be funny to make them live in Dascomb for their final year," they added.

   Instead of making deep tuition cuts and embracing Oberlin's progressive stance by increasing off-campus housing options, the College decided to make the awful decision of spending millions of dollars to renovate the shithole that is Dascomb. College Sophomore Dean Falgar was quoted as saying "I didn't get to live in Dascomb freshman year and I was pretty bummed. It seemed like a lot of really cool networking went on there. Hopefully I'll be able to make up for that my senior year by living in my dream dorm- Dascomb." Sarcasm was noticeable in Falgar's voice.

   To congratulate ResEd on their decision, feel free to contact via phone. The telephone numbers of staff members are located on this page: http://www.oberlin.edu/resed/staff/office.html

Thanks again, ResEd!

This article is not a joke.

2010-04-23T10:50:00.002-04:00

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we'll put pictures of you up on the home page

666 VIEWS SATAN

2010-04-14T03:06:00.000-04:00

Halfassery Abound, Obn...erlin Raizen Faeedes into Oblviv....io.........

2010-04-14T03:04:00.000-04:00

littledadObrelkine, OHHHHH_

Wittth readership at half maaast theoberlinraisinb.glspto.com has been slpqwly degraading into nothingness.s. Articles few and few in between, theee grass looks although greenish on other sides. Like a gift horeeessss with twwoo mouth, apples keeeeaping readers from the site every days of (the) weak

every reading turnsss to dust

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HERE WE CUM

Dascomb Grow-Op Thrives (EXPOSE)

2010-04-12T02:56:00.002-04:00

Oberlin, OH-

Oberlin College Officials have cleverly disguised a marijuana growing operation as the "Dascomb Herb Garden," and are currently growing marijuana in plain view of Oberlin's student body.

The display includes tips on how to ensure your "herbs" stay alive and recommendations on what light will let your crop thrive.

Stay posted for updates.

2010-04-06T21:18:00.000-04:00

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liveblog two appple oberlin techmology store

2010-04-05T13:05:00.002-04:00

the crowds are huge!

1:03- steve's jobs have passed through store for ultimate preview-

1:03;30- mr's job is going fast! talking, typing, new 30pin vga d0ngle at base

1:30.40- new digital picture output! smooth de-interlace 256000 colors

iPad! what is it? what can we say about it?

1:30:45- what will the iPdad mean for the future?

STeve jobs has announcaed new product "iDad"

will it be a "laptop dad killer"?

iPad tecnhmonlyogy store liveblog-

2010-04-05T13:02:00.000-04:00

sorry for typing errors-

must liveblog!

new ipad. havent got hands on now but user interface halthy

really good screen says "sarah"

"very cute" jenny say

many user interface testers now-

can't believe it's finaly here!

other versions! wifi, 3g, digital sims card

smaller than most big bibles- king james edition

users very happy with liveblog for iPad

broken screen- newest ipad functional failure- self healing screen

A WILD LITTLE DAD APPROACHES!

2010-03-17T02:20:00.000-04:00

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Something Odd

2009-12-15T23:01:00.002-05:00

The other day I was
Resting peacefully,
The brown couch folding to the
Curves of my back,

When the
Blue man entered carrying a
Bottle. He cracked it across my head,
Bits of glass burrowing into my scalp.
I did not get up, but I was told that
The bottle contained ants─ the kind that
Carry away crumbs of
Skin.

Wake up, the ants yelled,
The blue man screamed, arms rising in exclamation, chomping his teeth into
My leg.

Wake up.

Sun Laid

Stephen Hawking Endorses the Raisin

2009-12-15T18:45:00.001-05:00

Daddy Raisin

OmegaMan Endorses the Oberlin Raisin

2009-12-13T19:18:00.002-05:00

Daddy Raisin

Readers Disappointed by Lack of New Content

2009-12-13T15:56:00.002-05:00

Oberlin, OH

         Readers of "The Raisin" have been continually let down this week after visiting the site only to find out that no new material has been posted to the blog recently. Students have repeatedly arrived at the page only to read about Lee Doren again and again. Those who regularly visit the website expected to find humorous articles about topics such as the short-lived snowfall, finals and ObieTalk but have instead been thoroughly disappointed.

         Many readers will also be disappointed by the brevity of this article, which will end momentarily.

Daddy Raisin

UPDATE: Lee Doren Sets Personal Best in Javelin Throw

2009-12-10T16:26:00.000-05:00

(OBERLIN, OH)--Lee Doren, creator of the YouTube channel How the World Works, has just set a personal best for javelin throw at 73 meters and 75 centimeters. Although Lee Doren is best known for advising students on how to avoid liberal indoctrination at their schools, this video is more than enough proof that our man is packing a lot more than the second amendment.

Great job, Lee!

Raisincrantz.

Avoiding Leftist Indoctrination at Collage: The Raisin's Exclusive Video Interview with Lee Doren

2009-12-08T22:47:00.007-05:00

THE RAISIN DELIVERS WITH (LATE) BREAKING NEWS
(OBERLIN, OH)--Last Tuesday, YouTube superstar and all-around great guy Lee Doren delivered a lecture entitled "Avoiding Leftist Indoctrination at College". After the speech, Daddy Raisin got a chance to speak with Mr. Doran himself.

For more Leigh Doran, visit his modestly titled YouTube channel here.

Starring:
Lee Doren.
Daddy Raisin.

Directed by:
Raisincrantz.

Peachezz 'n' Crème Brûlée,
Raisincrantz.

Oberlin Creative Writing Department Intent on Becoming More Exclusive

2009-12-08T15:41:00.082-05:00

Oberlin, OH

The Oberlin Creative Writing Department embarked on a renewed initiative this month to increase perception of the department as elitist, inaccessible, and aggressively derisive of student work. “We know we’ve already kind of got that vibe going on,” said department co-chair Sylvia Watanabe, as she took a break from covering a portrait of Marilyn Robinson with sketches of male genitalia, “but we think we could kick it up a couple notches. We want people to literally lose faith in this [cold, unforgiving] world when they think about applying for a workshop. That’s something that just can’t happen often enough.”

Leading the charge is the newly founded Writing Co-op, which operates out of the Yellow House, located next to Wilder. The Co-op is staffed by Creative Writing majors who have received special training in how to be contemptuous and unnecessarily cruel toward their peers. “We know it’s difficult to get into workshops,” one major explained. “And frankly, we don’t think it’s fair that only those who are admitted get to experience the crushing humiliation and self-loathing that comes from having your soul mercilessly dissected in front of you. That’s something that should be open to everyone.”

Professor Kazim Ali led sessions for the co-op consultants on Creative Put-downs and Ad-Hominem Attacks. “We’re the Creative Writing Department for a reason,” said poet and Professor Kazim Ali, “...[W]e don’t want consultants sticking to hackneyed comments, for one must breathe the essence that is creativity, even when flinging proverbial excrement at our peers. If you read something, and it makes you want to invent a time machine solely to go back and abort the author before they ever have the chance to grow up and write such worthless drivel, then absolutely say that, but you must show us why. Remember: show, don't tell.”

One freshman, seen dabbing turquoise mascara from her eyes with a torn manuscript, described her visit to the Writing Co-op. “I was barely through the door, and one of them sniffs really loudly and goes, ‘Is there a non-major in here, or is someone making a shit sandwich?’ Then one of them quotes this really obscure 18th-century poem written by William Blake's aunt and everyone in the room starts laughing really hard. I guess I was pretty hurt." She later added, “As I was walking out, I saw a bunch of them naked in the back room. They were rubbing that African guy’s book [A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier, by Ishmael Beah '04] up and down their bodies."

Yet another student reported mixed feelings about his experience with the department. “I asked this guy for portfolio advice, and all he told me was he had taken a dump yesterday that was more compelling than my prose poem. I was in the fetal position for three days.” The student did, however, express optimism for the future. “Oberlin is just not a welcoming enough environment. I can’t wait to get into the real world, where my penchant for experimental sound poetry will really be nurtured, and my ability to describe my sexual frustration through food metaphors will truly be appreciated.”
The other department co-chair, Dan Chaon, was unable to comment for this article, explaining gently that "Dan Chaon no longer talks to people without movie deals.”

Prunella

Phyllis Yarber Hogan Indicted in Spam Fraud Case

2009-12-07T11:48:00.002-05:00

Oberlin, OH-

           An Ohio State Jury yesterday indicted Phyllis Yarber Hogan of sending bulk emails to members of the Oberlin College Community. Yarber Hogan is alleged to have sent more than 50,000 emails to students this semester alone.

          The emails tend to contain meaningless academic jargon such as "CD-AB," "Important Academic Deadlines," and "Upcoming Dates." The emails are rarely signed by Yarber Hogan, a likely indication that the emails are being automatically generated by a "spam-bot," or a computer that is capable of generating and sending countless emails.

            The validity of emails from Phyllis Yarber Hogan has been questioned for years, though a recent swell in the amount of emails sent from her account has caused College officials and students alike to raise an eyebrow.

           "Emails from Phyllis Yarber Hogan are taking up an unacceptable amount of data space on our servers. This is far from protocol. Phyllis Yarber Hogan is only a few emails away from being kicked off of Oberlin's intranet," said Director of CIT Emmerich Fagan. "She must be stopped at all costs," added Fagan.

          When Raisin staff attempted to contact Yarber Hogan via email, she responded immediately with the following text:

"Personal Leave of Absence: Students applying for a personal leave of absence for the Spring 2010 semester must submit an application form by December 4, 2009. Personal leave of absence applications are available in the Office of the Dean of Studies, Peters 205, and online at www.oberlin.edu/dstudies. Final Exams and Projects. The final exam schedule is posted on the Registrar’s Office web site at www.oberlin.edu/regist before the beginning of each semester. Requests for final exam time changes must be submitted before the officially scheduled time(s) for the final exam(s). Forms are available in Peters 205 and Bibbins 123, also online at www.oberlin.edu/dstudies."

Stay posted for further updates on the Yarber Hogan Spam Scandal.

Daddy Raisin

UPDATE: Correction to "New Data Shows that New Yorkers Fucking LOVE to Talk About New York"

2009-12-04T11:09:00.002-05:00

The Raisin staff apologizes for an error in a story we ran yesterday about how much New Yorkers love discussing New York. When describing the "dream outfit" of a typical female Oberlin student from New York, we forgot to mention the earth-tone scarf.

We sincerely regret this omission and would like to thank all of the girls sitting at the table outside of Dascomb for reminding us that scarves are the "icing on the cake" of the quintessential New York outfit.

Giant Animatronic Seagull Headed to Hall Auditorium

2009-12-04T10:50:00.009-05:00

Synopsis

          From December 10th-12th, Hall Auditorium will come alive with a staging of Anton Chekov's famous play 'The Seagull,' about a giant animatronic seagull struggling to find love as the 19th century comes to a close. The play is considered Chekov's greatest work and one of the most important plays of modern theater. Chekhov captures the intricacies of affection as he builds a near-unbearable sexual tension between Beaky, the giant robotic seagull, and Becky, the regular-sized female seagull. As the play comes to a climax, we shall see whether or not Becky can accept the fact that her potential mate doesn't have a real heart, but rather whirring motors and gears. Beaky's eyes will burn red with the fire of a thousand suns as he attempts to claim Becky for himself.

Hall Auditorium, Oberlin College

December 10-12, 8:00 PM

Tickets
$4 Students
$6 OCID/Seniors
$8 Public

Warning: Strobe lights, lasers and thick fog will be used during this production.

New Data Shows that New Yorkers Fucking LOVE to Talk About New York

2009-12-03T15:26:00.003-05:00

SEVERAL STUDENTS LITERALLY ORGASM WHILE DISCUSSING THEIR HOMETOWN

Oberlin, OH-

A new poll conducted by Raisin staff has shown that Oberlin students from New York City have a hard time talking about anything but New York City. The recent poll asked responders to write down their favorite topics of New York conversation. The results are as follows:

1. Discussing New York City High Schools

Examples:

"Did he go to Fieldston? He TOTALLY seems like someone who would go to Fieldston. I mean, can't you just tell that he's a Fieldston kid?"

"OMFG you went to Delta!? ME FUCKING TOO! WHY HAVEN'T WE TALKED ABOUT THIS FOR HOURS?????"

"Yeah, but then his cousin went to Beacon. Does the name 'Noah Weisenbaum' sound familiar?

"No, no, NO. Those are Dalton kids. Can't you tell? Just look at what they're wearing."

"Ugh. Who goes to Stuy anymore? How passé."

"You look like a Friends Seminary kind of gal!"

2. Referring to New York as "The City"

According to the poll, Oberlin students from New York also love to refer to their hometown as "The City." The Raisin staff who conducted the poll couldn't tell if New Yorkers just liked to call New York "The City," or if they actually think it's the only city in the entire world.

Examples:

"Are you going back to "The City" this break, or are you going to your country house*?

*A country house is a second house, usually located in upstate New York. Though unoccupied for most of the calendar year, New Yorkers use their country houses to get away from the non-stop action of "The City."

"I hate having to order my boots online. I wish we were in "The City" so I could just go shopping. Ben Franklin's fucking SUCKS."

"OMFG, call me the SECOND you get back to "The City"! We need to talk."

3. Discussing the latest trends

Examples:

"Ok, so, here's like, my DREAM outfit: Older looking boots, preferably brown or black. Then, some tights. Earth tones definitely. Next, I would need some kind of skirt or maybe even shorts to go over the tights. THEN, I would need some kind of really saggy top that matches my tights or my boots. After that, I would probably have to buy some kind of leather jacket. Finally, I would need a SUPER fugly bag that complements my boots. Also, some sunglasses that were in fashion like a year ago but then went out of fashion, because now they're back in."

"So I'm thinking about getting this haircut. It's pretty much, like, just a really ratty greasemop of hair on top of my skull. Maybe like an infant? Then I'll probably just throw this stocking cap over it. What do you think?"

4. Being uncomfortable in places other than New York

Examples:

"Is it weird to you that we don't use elevators every day here? It fucking freaks me out."

"Why does everyone here hold the door for each other? I just don't understand it. And then the other person says "Thank You" right after. It's the weirdest thing!"

"What are those little dots of light in the sky that come out at night? I NEVER see those in New York."

Other favorite topics of conversation include discussing different parts of town (i.e. Uptown, Downtown, the Upper West Side, Upper East Side, Bed-Stuy) and discussing people you went to summer camp with.

Stay posted for more Raisin polls.

Daddy Raisin

New Ramp in Front of Noah Residence Hall Taunts the Wheelchair Bound

2009-12-02T11:14:00.000-05:00

Oberlin, OH-

A new ramp outside of Noah Hall seems to contradict the progressive values that Oberlin cherishes. The ramp, which replaced a regular staircase leading into the dormitory, was finished just weeks ago. During construction, it appeared as though students who required wheelchairs would finally be able to access Noah Hall, but the exact opposite is true.

          Due to a railing that has been built on the ramp, students confined to wheelchairs are still unable to access the building and in addition are taunted by the ramp on a daily basis. Were a student in a wheelchair to attempt to use the ramp, they would reach the top and come across an impenetrable wooden rail.

          When asked why the College decided to use funds on a project that did not increase accessibility for the differently abled, Head of College Maintenance Harold Shipton replied "We just follow the prints," as he shrugged his shoulders.

Student ideas about the purpose of the ramp have varied. Some students believed it was an art installation providing commentary about the challenges facing differently abled people in modern society. Other students believed that the ramp was simply another attempt by the College to ensure noncompliance with the Americans With Disabilities Act.

            "I mean, the aisles in DeCafe aren't big enough for a wheelchair, you can't get into Zechiel, French House, East and many more dorms with a wheelchair. I wouldn't be surprised if this was just another asshole move by the College meant to disenfranchise the handicapped," said Oberlin junior Jasmine Banks.

A petition calling for the removal of the wooden barrier at the top of the ramp is currently circulating among Oberlin students.

Daddy Raisin

Holiday Cheer Abound, DeCafe Donates Thousands of Dollars of Food to Needy-Looking Students

2009-11-29T16:53:00.001-05:00

Oberlin, OH

With the holidays just around the corner Oberlin College's own DeCafe Eatery has made the decision to donate thousands of dollars worth of food to needy-looking children on the Oberlin Campus. DeCafe's decision was based on data that shows that the number of students on campus who appear to be impoverished has risen drastically within the past few years.

"We're seeing more tattered pants, gloves without fingers and glasses without lenses than we ever have," said Michele Gross, Oberlin's Director of Dining. "It's obvous that many male students can't afford simple hygenic products such as razors or shampoo, and some of the female students are in need as well. I see so many young girls trying to hide their dirty hair with stocking caps placed precariously on the backs of their heads. My heart just breaks as I watch them ride by on bicycles with no brakes in pants they must have been wearing since middle school. The worst part is that they're trying to ride these brakeless bikes with no lenses in their glasses. Giving away some food is the least we can do for these poor-looking students," added Gross.

Other signs of poverty among Oberlin students are abundant. For instance, though DVD technology has been commonplace since the end of the 20th century, many students have resorted to using VHS tapes to watch movies. Recently students have been traveling to the Salvation Army in Elyria to find inexpensive clothing, returning all they can afford- ill-fitting t-shirts and sweatshirts from the 1980s and 1990s.

All students who appear needy may go to DeCafe during regular business hours to pick up care packages put together by DeCafe employees.

Daddy Raisin

TWILIGHT RELEASE BUILDS METAPHORICAL BRIDGE BETWEEN LOCALS AND OBIES

2009-11-29T16:08:00.001-05:00

Oberlin, OH-

            On Friday, November 21^th, 2009, Twilight: New Moon hit theaters with a bang. The Apollo, which underwent an extensive renovation in order to compensate for the anticipated release, proudly claims to be a large contributor to the overall 76.9 million dollars the movie has grossed since its release. “Thank God we really took our time building that new concession stand,” Owner Chuck Harris chuckled. “I mean the darn thing took us about 4 months. But I knew it’d be worth it. I haven’t seen a concession line like that since the Apollo did a midnight screening of Across the Universe.”

          The females of Oberlin College had a long list of expectations for the release, including tears, laughter, outrage, and overall disillusionment with their own beaus in the face of Robert Pattinson. Ahh, Redzin Pattinson, wife of Robert Pattinson. Woah, lol, that has a nice ring to it. Weird. Fate.

          Anyway, the establishment of a peace treaty between the locals and the college students of Oberlin, Ohio was not among them. Redzin Pattinson. The midnight screening had a turbulent start: tiffs over optimal seating between locals and students escalated into full-blown fights when one local called a student “Four eyes.” (Those weren’t even prescription you Philistine and four eyes are better than two so… you’re dumb.)

          The girls finally settled in a huff, expecting their entire movie experience to be tainted. Mrs. Redzin Pattinson. We caught one martyr as she left the theater before the opening credits. “It’s not a big deal,” she sniffled, “I just want everything about the experience to be perfect. And if that means I have to miss the midnight showing because some Fat Head sat in front of me, so be it. I always put too much pressure on stuff like this, and then I get so angry with myself when I’m inevitably disappointed! I hate my thighs.”

          But as the movie settled into its trajectory (known in Hollywood as the ‘emotional rollercoaster’) the girls became so ensconced in the Pattinson’s life that they forgot their differences. “SHE DOESN’T DESERVE HIM!” one local yelled at a particularly sexually loaded interaction, “I KNOW RIGHT!!!!!!!” I someone yelled back. No, Rob’s abroad right now filming, he couldn’t make it. I’ll send him your regards when we Skype later Mr. President.

          As the final credits rolled, the girls, with their hearts reopened to love and inspired by the peace treaty between the Werewolves and the Vampires (both of which have members in love with the female lead), looked at one another in a new light. One girl reminisced, “We just thought, you know what? If Edward and Jake could do it, even with all that bullshit working against them (cough, cough Kristen Stewart) then so could we!”

         And so they did it. The treaty has called an end to all passive-aggressive bickering, penning disses concerning the other in the Java Zone bathroom, and feeling uncomfortable when they pass one another in front of Gibson’s.

Next week: Why Netan Yahu is Rereleasing Transformers in Theaters

Redzin

Hipster Rally for More “Chill Spots” Leaves 3 Wounded

2009-11-25T22:41:00.003-05:00

Administration Appeases Vigilantes by Installing New Benches On Campus

Oberlin, OH

            The chaos has ceased. The Administration, at least for now, can breathe easy. The turmoil began with the new school year, when students realized they had barely anywhere to get high unless they wanted to sit on the ground or debase themselves by hanging around Dascomb (See our feature article, “Tips for Hanging out with Freshmen: How to Meet New Chicks Without Isolating Yourself from Upperclassman Pussy”).

           Tension festered as minor confrontations at the Dascomb benches blacklisted some and established others as minor community heroes. One blacklisted freshman shared his story with the Raisin in exchange for a lollipop and a Batman themed Band-Aid.

            “I don’t know what happened. One second I was sitting outside of Dascomb, about to smoke these totally hot biddies up and seal my spot on the A-list. The next second this senior was in my face, cursing at me, being all like, “I have the keys to the bike coop!” and then next I knew, I was on the ground with poop in my underwear and he was sitting on the bench, smoking these chicks up with my weed. Now it’s like I have a big fucking scarlet A on my forehead. I feel so small.”

            Obviously, in our largely non-violent community, such behavior could not be tolerated. As the rainy season began and the ground was even less apt for crouching on, the advocacy group, “Hipsters for Self-Betterment,” began to rally their troops and make moves.

            The protest lasted 36 hours, during which period countless hipsters refused food or water and listlessly milled about outside of Krislov’s house, passive aggressively complaining about the lack of seating available. Mumbled chants of, “Oh, it’d just be so tight if I could sit right now,” “My flats have no ankle support, I really shouldn’t be standing for this long,” as well as, “Straight up, I wish I were sitting,” echoed across campus. Students from all walks of life (reports indicated the presence of students from the Upper East Side, Lower Manhattan, and even Park Slope) contributed to the vigil and it grew to be a borderline social affair, kind of like Azariah’s.

             The protest soured when three advocates were accosted by what the group is calling a “total bro.” Apparently, Bro was passing by the group and yelled, “Studio art isn’t a real major!” Incensed, the three advocates approached Bro to talk it out. One advocate reports saying, “Listen man, I know you feel alienated here. This isn’t your scene. I’m sure no one in this entire school likes you, and you’re probably thinking about dropping out. But dude, don’t let your low feelings of self-worth harsh our mellow. Are we cool?” He continued, “Then he just punched me in the face. I have no idea what happened.”

              The violent outbreak forced the beforehand unmoved Krislov to take note, and after finally reaching a negotiation the protest has disbanded. 20 new benches have been installed around campus, and hopefully the plethora of chill spots will restore order.

Redzin

Admissions Office to Prospective Class of 2014: “Go To Kenyon”

2009-11-25T12:52:00.001-05:00

Oberlin, OH

In a stunning but not unforeseeable move yesterday, the Oberlin College Department of Admissions made official its longstanding but informal attitude towards the future class of 2014- Go somewhere else.

When reached for comment, Director of Admissions and Financial Aid Debra Chermonte replied, “Every year it seems like students are getting more attractive, with a better set of standard social skills. I even had a kid email me to ask ‘What’s the deal with club sports?’ This is threatening the very fabric of our institution.”

The emergence of a club soccer team, and a percentage of Hot Blonde Freshman Chicks more than two standard deviations away from the norm has raised some red flags among Obies. They point their suspicions at this year’s Freshman class and beyond. “I saw this guy playing catch, baseball, you know. The thing is, I don’t even think he was on the varsity team. I think he just enjoyed it” said Sophomore Jackworth Smith. “I was hooking up with a freshman from Harkness,” added Senior Maddy Lefkowitz, “but when I defrocked her I found out she’d shaved her bush. We need to nip this thing in the bud.”

The Office of Admissions stresses a multitude of other “completely fine” institutions. As always, options include Wesleyan, and Grinnell but also Pomona, Haverford, Boston University, even Denison University and the College of Charleston.

“This guy, athletic build, broad smile, walks right into the interview, gives me a firm handshake and answers my questions with confidence and clarity while retaining perspective and a sense of humor” said assistant director of admissions, Jesse Hernandez; adding, “Where the hell does he think he is?”

Indeed, some blame the administration for attempting to “normalize” the campus, while others point the finger at the decision to do away with needs-blind admission. Still others point the finger at the college’s slogan, “Fearless”, which is undoubtedly attracting only the most hearty adventure-seekers.

Still, some remain skeptical, like Athletic Director Joel Kaarlgard. “If the mission to normalize Oberlin is really working, then why do we still suck so bad at sports?”

Other Naysayers like Klaus Bonarman (OC’89) maintain the hypothesis of the increasingly attractive freshmen is actually a myth and easily explained by a counter-theory; "these freshman only seem more attractive because of a slow decline in the physical attractiveness that takes place in 90% of persons who have lived in Oberlin for more than nine months.

Also according to Bonarman’s statistics, 95% of the class of 2014 is projected to become Trans-Everything Freakazoids by the time they graduate.

Brazen.

Somali Pirates Hijack ObieWifi

2009-11-23T15:42:00.003-05:00

MILLIONS OF OBIEDOLLARS SOUGHT FOR RETURN OF INTERNET ACCESS

Oberlin, OH

         In the early hours of the morning on Monday, November 23rd ObieWifi encountered what many on campus believe was a regular outage. The Raisin has learned that pirates from the Republic of Somalia, a small country located in the Horn of Africa, have been credited with hijacking ObieWifi for a brief period of time this morning.

         The pirates are believed to have sailed down Plum Creek, docking at the intersection of Vine and Main streets at approximately 1:15 AM. The pirates then crept silently across town under the cover of night, breaking into the Houck Computing Center in the basement of Mudd Library and shutting down the ObieWifi network at 1:40 AM.

          Upon being notified of the security breach, Safety and Security Officers slowly made their way to Mudd Library via their barely-functional arsenal of modified golf carts. Though the Office of Safety and Security is within walking distance of the library, it took officers 45 minutes to arrive on the scene. The Somali pirates used this precious time to barricade themselves into the A-Level of Mudd Library.

         While ensuring that the network remained down, the Somali Pirates started making their demands around 2:43 AM. The pirates, who had not disabled printer functions, began to print their requests onto printers Alpha and Omega, located on the first floor of Mudd. Though Omega was down at the time, Alpha began to print sheets of paper that read "IF YOU WANT INTERNET, GIVE US $1,000,000 OBIEDOLLARS OR ELSE WE WILL BURN ONE WOMB CHAIR EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR!".

         Another pirate was heard screaming "HOW IS I GET LATTES AT AZARIAH'S IF I NO HAVE OBIEDOLLARS? I CANNOT USE SILLY MACHINE! I DO NOT HAVE CASH! I DO NOT WANT GUEST CARD!" as he banged on the windows of the basement. Considering that the ObieDollar is currently worth two times the Euro, the pirates have demonstrated that they possess economic prowess that is unparalleled among other groups of pirates.

       At approximately 3:15 AM the pirates were subdued by members of the FBI brought in from Cleveland without issue. The pirates are currently being held at the Offices of Safety and Security. They face a maximum of three meetings with the Oberlin College Judicial Board, and will be forced to complete an online survey, "eHijack".

Stay posted for more updates about this story.

Daddy Raisin

EXCLUSIVE RAISIN UPDATE: SPOKEN WORD PERFORMANCE BY BRAZEN

2009-11-22T22:50:00.010-05:00

The Raisin has obtained a copy of a videorecording of Brazen doing a spoken word performance of the poetry that was published in the Raisin a few days ago.

"Untitled" performed by Brazen.
Directed by Raisincrantz.

Raisin Columnist Ursa Tevaphone Has Got the Down Low on "The In-and-Out"

2009-11-22T22:05:00.002-05:00

OUT- 91.5 WOBC – IN-Majic 105.7 - Forget about DJ Bjorggovikk’s Trancepop remixes of Israeli folksongs; I just wanna hear Layla 8 times a day.

OUT- Cigarettes IN- Ice Cream Sandwiches – Get over yourself

OUT – Brooklyn – IN – Port Arthur Texas – Berlin was the new New York, now Pittsburgh is the new Berlin, Port Arthur, Texas will be the new Pittsburgh. Get ahead of the curve.

OUT- Hobbes. IN- Locke – Can’t we all just get along?

OUT- Nonprofits. IN- Post-Dividend Investment Speculation – Get with the 80’s man; ride that Reagan Wave!

OUT- George Michael – IN- The Other Guy from Wham! Did you know he directed Austin Powers?

OUT- Semester Abroad – IN- Moving to New Orleans, but not to help people.

OUT- Peter Gabriel – IN- Phil Collins- Honestly, have you seen his version of You Can’t Hurry Love? The Supremes ain’t got nothin’ on this guy. Also, points are awarded because he looks exactly like Owen Campbell’s father.

OUT- Oberlin Review, The Grape, Plum Creek Review, In Solidarity. IN- The Raisin – These guys/gals/non-gendered publications are aight, but they could use more inside jokes. Am I right, Tony?

OUT- Pretending we’re changing the world –IN- Paying 40 grand to learn how to gender the forest and being damn proud of it.

OUT – Liberal Artists (YAWN) – IN- State School Skanks- Cancun! Shots! Titties! Where the Biddies At?!?!11?

OUT- Crimson and Clover – IN – The Smell of Wine and Cheap Perfume. Take the Midnight Train goin’ anywhere….

OUT- God –IN- The war on Christmas. In general, we Secular Progressive Socialist Homophiles hate to admit it, but we do fucking hate x-mas. This holiday season, greet your loved ones with a jar of Goat’s blood before engaging in a marathon of unprotected sodomy.

OUT- Dickin’ Chicks – IN- Chicken Dicks – need I say more?

Brazen

Raisin Poll: Favorite Movies of the Class of 2013

2009-11-20T13:23:00.001-05:00

        A recent poll was conducted by Raisin staff to determine the favorite movies of this year's freshman class. Blank questionnaires were placed in the OCMRs of each member of the class of 2013. 72% of the class responded to the poll, while 28% chose not to participate. The results are as follows.

   "Bicentennial Man," the robot-oriented dramedy starring Robin Williams came in first place with 40% of the votes. "Jack," another Robin Williams dramedy and coming-of-age story, claimed second place with 25% of the votes. "Patch Adams" grabbed a close third place, garnering 20% of the votes. "Flubber" took fourth place, taking 10% of the votes, while "Other" accounted for 5% of the votes.

A sampling of the "Other" votes revealed poorly spelled or incomprehensible answers such as "Aladine," and "A Bird's Nest".

        When asked why her class was so infatuated with Robin Williams, freshman Alyssa Dinten responded "Um, I don't know, maybe because he was voted the sexiest man alive for five years straight? Maybe that's why."

        Pre-poll predictions by Raisin staff guessed that the survey would yield significantly different results. Guesses for the top spot included "Amelie," "Pulp Fiction," "Waking Life" and more.

        "I fully expected students to indicate that they loved to watch the early works of directors Quentin Tarantino and Wes Anderson, films from Veimar Germany such as "Metropolis," haunting movies such as "Elephant" and "Brick," and old Charlie Chaplin movies, just to say that they liked to watch old Charlie Chaplin movies," said Professor of Cinema Studies Brian Doan.

Stay posted for future polls conducted by the Raisin.

Daddy Raisin

RAISIN EXCLUSIVE: Sweatshop Discovered on Oberlin Campus

2009-11-17T19:04:00.002-05:00

Oberlin, Ohio-

        Yesterday, while taking a walk and keeping my investigative eyes peeled for groundbreaking Oberlin College satirical news, I stumbled into the facilities building. For those students unaware of this stain on our campus (you might only have passed it when it was covered by a bright green tarp during Powershift), it is located across from the award winning Allen Memorial Hospital on West Lorain Street. Drawn towards the deafening sounds of loud drum beating and the repetitive exclamation “KAAAALLLLLLLIIIMMMMMAAAAHHHH!!!!!!” being screamed, I hesitatingly entered.

          Making my way down to the sweltering basement, or dungeon, of this factory-esque Oberlin landmark, I was shocked to discover hundreds of rows of children ranging from the ages of 6-12 sitting at worktables. They were shaping clay and kneading grainy dough at an astounding rate, with sweat pouring off their young faces, and a look of sheer terror in their little eyes. The very angry, shirtless, sweaty Git-R-Done guy from Dascomb was perched at the front of the room, beating a giant skull encrusted drum with what looked like a femur bone. He screamed and threatened the children saying, “If you slow down I will burn your feet, TSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTT.”

          Next thing I knew, a giant vat tipped over and thousands of “Mudd Mugs” poured onto a conveyer belt leading into a twisting series of brown boxes marked “parents weekend”. To my horror, I had discovered the true origin of these kitschy, staple products that are so popular amongst students, parents and alumni. I could not believe my eyes, for I had stumbled upon Oberlin’s own sweatshop.

       Upon further investigation, I finally found someone who had some answers.   Economics professor Jonathan Lipow claimed to have known about this disturbingly seedy underbelly of Oberlin for some time. He even went so far as to say that “in these tight economic times, the college needs to squeeze every penny, or $50,000 tuition payment, we got. It would make no sense to outsource the ever-important ‘Mudd Mug’ production to an alternate factory. We save a lot more by circumventing labor laws and producing them ourselves in a traditional sweatshop setting. Plus, we don’t have to pay for shipping.”

        The children, who are forced to work incredibly strenuous fifteen-hour days, receive no tangible monetary compensation. Instead they are allowed to audit one credit per semester. The majority of these adorable tykes take the typical route and are enjoying the jump rope Exco to the fullest. However a small minority of them have made a smarter choice and enrolled in Chris Howell’s Politics class entitled “Work, Workers and Trade Unions.” In response to my question about his choice, one nameless child replied that he “wants to break free from the behind the granola curtain, and find a better life.” I say good for him, I hope he makes it out.

         Right now if you are thinking that you are innocent because you or your parents have not yet purchased a Mudd Mugg, think again. They make the vegan cookies too. So think twice next time you eat your “fair trade” goods. Hell, OSCA kids, do you really know where your puffed spelt is coming from? Back to you Daddy.

Uncle Raisin

A Merry Thanksgiving Message from the Oberlin Office of Slam Poetry

2009-11-17T19:03:00.003-05:00

Are we celebrating

Thanksgiving-

Or are we

Reenacting

ThanksTaking?

The cranberry sauce

Drips

Down my chin

Like so much blood

The blood

Of my grandmother

‘s

Cranberries.

These hands-

Hands over

Hands.

Hands hand

Over land-

Can you handle

The Underworld?

Cranberry Prune sauce,

My Great Aunt

‘s

Bundt cake –

The fruits of my father

‘s

Fecundity-

Or-

The orchard of our DishonesTree.

This Thanksgiving –

Or should I say

This land

‘s

Prison Sex

Thanks-Shivving.

Eat these Fruits

And Remember me,

You Effigy.

Remember

Pranks-living

The Demise of

The

Honey Bee

Brazen

EXCLUSIVE RAISIN UPDATE: Motown Night Replaced with "Jimmy Buffet's Perpetual Looped Music Festival"

2009-11-17T18:17:00.010-05:00

Oberlin, OH-

         In an update to an earlier story about Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville Taking Control of CDS, the Raisin has learned that the popular "Motown Night" at the 'Sco will be replaced with "Jimmy Buffett's Perpetual Looped Music Festival". The looped music festival will be held on a nightly basis and will consist of the songs "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Margaritaville" played over and over from 10:00 PM until the 'Sco closes at 1:00 AM.

         Though some students are uneasy about the change, most are excited. "I LOVE JIMMY BUFFETT!" screamed sophomore Dana Keuhl. "HE'S SO FUCKING SEXY! JIMMY BUFFETT IS MY GOD" she added as she grinded to "Margaritaville" and "Cheeseburger in Paradise" at the 'Sco. Visibly sweaty, other female students could be seen whipping their hair around as they rubbed their breasts. A few females even had Jimmy Buffett tattoos on their arms, or even on the smalls of their backs.

       To mix things up, the original recordings of the songs will be played along with MIDI versions of the song. For those of you who can't wait for the next perpetual loop festival tonight, below is a sneak preview of some of the music that will be heard at the 'Sco nightly from now on.

Daddy Raisin

NEW STATUE BREAKS RECORD FOR LONGEST TIME NOT FORNICATED UPON

2009-11-17T13:51:00.003-05:00

Oberlin, OH

Campus Officials verified today that Roger Berry's “Bound Tetrahedron,” a sculpture unveiled outside the Science Center, lasted a record 13 days before a pair of students engaged in coitus on it. This marks the longest virginal streak of any space or landmark at Oberlin College since record keeping began in 1897. The record was broken by Megan Klar ('11) and Paul Michauld ('10) on the morning of November 16th at approximately 3:10 AM. The pair was far from the first attempt a sexual traversal of the artwork, however the shape and slippery nature of the piece had caused extreme difficulty for earlier attempts.

On Tuesday President Marvin Krislov put out a statement praising the ability of the statue to last so long and detailing the developments that allowed for such an achievement:

"By working closely with artist Roger Berry to create a nearly fuck-proof statue, Oberlin College is proud to announce that the new sculpture is expected to host a bumping of nasties less than one tenth number of times of other places on campus - as little as twice a week. The creative design of "Bound Tetrahedron" is an undeniably advancement in the field of public celibacy."

"We are happy to hear that it took so long for the dedicated student body to manage to get freaky" he continued, "and expect to save significant cleaning costs."

The sculpture, which was designed with as few flat surfaces or comfortable angles to accommodate a human body as possible, was hailed as a huge step above previous Oberlin installments - most famously the failed flat octagon in front of Warner, which provided such an easy surface that it was defiled approximately 36 minutes after being introduced, and has subsequently been used for an estimated 22,000 couplings.

Around campus, the popular opinion of "Bound Tetrahedron" is overwhelming approval, with many students believing it to be the new highest level of challenge for adventure-sex.

"It's the Everest of fucking" says Kenneth Hansen ('12). "Those first two really put in a lot of effort and they'll get mad props for it, but now only more and more people are gonna try for it. I know I will."

In a show of the continued ambition/lust of Oberlin's student body, Harkness co-op announced they would be attempted the first group-sex summit on Saturday.

Raisin' Cain

ABOLITION OF PAPER-TOWELS LEADS TO EVEN LESS STUDENTS WASHING HANDS

2009-11-17T03:07:00.004-05:00

KRISLOV DUBS ESCALATION OF FECES RELATED ILLNESSES A CRISIS

Oberlin, OH-

“I wasn’t that big on washing my hands in the first place,” mused one student as he smoked a cigarette on the benches outside of the library. “I mean, I’d do it, sometimes, if like, somebody was watching. But now that there aren’t any paper towels, I don’t even fake it anymore,” he concluded as the five people crammed next to him on the bench nodded solemnly in agreement (see: “Social Atmosphere On Mudd Benches Makes Suffering Extreme Discomfort and Lung Cancer Worthwhile”).

“I used to make this killer joke,” his nostalgic bench-buddy remarked out of turn, “where I’d flush, head to the sink, but instead of washing my hands, I’d lean to the girl next to me and say, ‘Hey, don’t tell anyone, but I’m not gonna wash. I never do.’” She sighed. “I don’t know, I guess back then the bathroom had this sort of anything goes dynamic. Now that not-washing hands isn’t subversive, bathroom visits just make me feel dirty and vulnerable.”

Since the abolition of paper-towels and the subsequent decline of hand washing, jokes in that vein are no longer considered appropriate or funny, thwarting feelings of intimacy and comfort in bathroom-settings. Students report seeing peers about to turn the faucet, remember the no-paper towels policy, and breaking down, curse both the administration and Harkness (where the admin first tested the policy and received positive feedback). Reports of wiping hands on computers, friends’ arms, and faces have ultimately led to pandemics of Anoplocephala perfoliata (tapeworms) and sty infections.

“I haven’t pooped in 3 months,” moaned one girl as she circumvented the decaf line with a coffee. “It’s like my body’s shutting down against potential viruses, because it knows I won’t wash my hands. I’ve never looked so fat and I’m in constant pain!” Her friend attempted to commiserate but encountered difficulty emoting, as her eyes were nearly sealed shut due to multiple sty infections.

On a more positive note, the nearly blind decaf staff (also a result of rampant sty infections) has reported that, while it never really seemed to be an issue to begin with, thievery is now non-existent.

Redzin

reflections of time spent in bermuda

2009-11-16T13:47:00.005-05:00

hey
whats going on in this world
i feel like we are so disconnected from our selves
no one thinks anymore
we just react
like fools in a crap shoot
no one gets out unscathed
no one keeps their innocence
we all suffer
we all grow
and for what?
in the end
fear consumes us
we are fallen
what god would love such beasts
such daemons
my heart beats red
red as the blood
that
flows
through
our
veins
but i cannot suffer longer
like a lactose intolerant dairy farm my life contradicts my purpose
we are all children of a higher power
put up for adoption
left
cold feet
cold hands
we wander
but where are we going
without ever knowing the way
?
to ask such questions is to admit fault
i will not
accountability bears down on my being
we have all sinned
in the eyes of our fathers

as quickly as we rise we fall
what useless banter
in an age of mystery i detect no compassion
how be it that a man will cut himself to feel
what dull sensation
lives
within
us
you
me
we all must please our masters
be it man woman or sheep
no goat stays un raped
no present un wrapped
our diesel breeding brings none but harm
who asks such deeds of us
to remain constant
relevant
we may not eat our young, but they, in times of need, must eat us?
love
love
love
we are undone by our seams
it seems
like cum in the toe of a sock
made is a state of being i do not adhere to
tho i huff glue, do i not understand both arts and crafts
rubber cement cements my self
to my
self
lol

lazin' craizin

Squeaky Science Center Door Overdoses on WD-40

2009-11-16T01:10:00.029-05:00

Oberlin, OH-

          In what officials are calling an "accident," the especially noisy door located on the north side of Oberlin College' Science Center has overdosed on the lubricant WD-40. Though the College Administration has deemed the overdose unintentional, others on campus believe otherwise.

         "He was miserable since the day he started to squeak," said the door adjacent to the victim of the overdose. "At night I would hear him creaking, groaning, crying and squeaking for hours as students would use him. All of the other doors connected to this foyer love being used, but he was different. He couldn't stop complaining about it," added the door's neighbor.

       College students who had to use the door complained about it frequently. "It was so fucking loud. I would walk up to the doors and keep thinking 'I hope this isn't the squeaky one,' and then it was, and then it would squeak for fucking 20 minutes," said Biology major Jenna Freaumont. "I would kill myself too if I made that much noise," added Freaumont.

The incident is still under investigation. Updates will be posted as the story progresses.

UPDATE:

The Raisin has obtained the last known audio recording of the squeaky door, which was taken just hours before its death. The recording can be heard below.

ARRIVAL OF MISSY SWINE ON CAMPUS LIMITS SAFER-SEX NIGHT PARTICIPANTS TO THE PAINFULLY DESPERATE

2009-11-15T17:53:00.003-05:00

         Missy Swine has officially arrived on Oberlin campus. Since September, the gossip concerning the University of Mexico transfer student has kept the student body and administration alike abuzz with inquiries. “Was she really Miss Mexico??” “Is she really forbidden from entering China? That’s so badass!” “Dude, I can’t wait. There’s gonna be a hot chick on campus.”

         In the early fall, Linda Gates and her cohorts took massive preemptive measures in order to avert the possible consequences of the new, highly distracting, addition to campus. Pamphlets urging students to sequester themselves from anyone who may have received contact with Missy Swine aim to thwart the devastating effects gossip has on student productivity.

           “All dis hype ‘bout that swine ass bitch is just plain distracting for the students. So wack. They gotta be going to school ‘n shit! Not jerkin’ it to Missy Swine’s Myspace!” one admin was quoted as saying when students initially complained of what they considered junk mail in their OCMRs.

           Missy Swine’s fashionably late arrival has been received with mixed emotions. Most OConn contributors have by now adamantly rejected the reputation that preceded her. Now, feeling taken advantage of, many begrudge her presence on campus. Regardless, Missy has received 10 invitations to Agave and 3 for the Apollo, proving the timeless adage that when you’re isolated on a street-long campus in the middle of Ohio, you’ll hook up with whoever, whenever.

               Girls, unequivocally, have written off Missy Swine as having a superiority complex, poorly dressed, and as “whatever” looking. “I don’t get why everybody’s freaking out,” one girl bemoaned to her friend over a Java Zone coffee. “She’s just…so whatever. She dresses like it’s summertime. It’s like, get a grip, you’re not above being seasonal.”

              Since Missy Swine’s Facebook update, “So excited for Safer Sex night! Bwahahaha!” most girls (even the ones who bought their lingerie in September) have declined to attend. Most boys, similarly, feel too lame and vulnerable (statistics are inconclusive as to whether this has to do with Missy Swine, or is just an Obie male affliction) to attend.

              Thursday night at the Sco, therefore, will be heavily populated by the most painfully desperate and sexually unfulfilled students. Interestingly, the same boys who have been quoted as being “kinda dtf” Missy Swine are the most enthusiastic about SSN. Enjoy!

Redzin

Jimmy Buffett's "Margaritaville" to Overtake CDS

2009-11-15T17:02:00.004-05:00

CAMPUS DINING HALLS SLATED FOR IMMEDIATE DEMOLITION

Oberlin, OH-

Oberlin College announced today that its Central Dining Services Division will be replaced by the popular restaurant chain "Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville". The College blamed the upcoming switch on a lack of funding. A press release from the Office of CDS contained more details on the change, which has made headlines around the nation.

"Oberlin College is excited to announce that Central Dining Services will no longer be under the control of Bon Appétit, but rather the management of "Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville," said the press release. "In this economy, it would be nonsense not to switch to Margaritaville. It makes complete sense, financially and otherwise".

While OSCA will remain intact, students who currently have meal plans should expect drastic changes in the coming school year. All three campus dining buildings (Stevenson, Dascomb and Lord/Saunders) will be razed in order to make room for Jimmy Buffett's North Campus Margaritaville, Jimmy Buffett's Central Campus Margaritaville and Jimmy Buffett's South Campus Margaritaville, respectively. The DeCafe eatery (also run by Bon Appétit) will stay in its current location, though its name will be changed to Jimmy Buffet's North-Central Underground Margaritaville Den Jr. The cart located in the Science Center Atrium will be renamed Jimmy Buffett's Cheeseburger in Science Paradise.

As far as menu changes, students can expect that there will be less local and organic foods, and more seafood and generic ground beef. Margaritas served on campus will be non-alcoholic, and will be offered with a soymilk base, a feature that will be unique to the Oberlin Margaritavilles.

Jimmy Buffett will be playing a concert commemorating the opening of the restaurants upon their completion in May, 2010 and 150 Collectors Edition Oberlin Margaritaville Coins will be minted for the event and will be available for a limited time only.

Check the Raisin for updates about this story.

Daddy Raisin

RESEARCH CONCLUDES THAT GIRLS ARE NEVER FUNNY

2009-11-13T10:18:00.004-05:00

GIRLS WHO CAN FAKE IT ARE BETTER AT LANDING BOYFRIENDS

Oberlin, OH-

“Frankly I’m just relieved we can finally be conclusive on a topic that has caused rather annoying disturbances in our society,” commented Jacob Jacobs, a supporter of the now (relatively) obsolete "Anyone But Hillary" foundation.

On Friday morning, the foundation released the much-anticipated results of a longstanding study measuring the capacity to be funny in females. According to the paper entitled, “Associated Genetic Disorders of the XX chromosome and Practical Applications” women intrinsically lack the ability to be funny, much like they lack the ability to play basketball (for more information, see: Induction of Zeke Boys Intermural Basketball Team Found Direct Cause of Decline in Feelings of Self-worth in Obie Females).

              Major conclusions of the study include that the XX chromosome contains a defect that inhibits the female ability to create jokes, though they still have a strong capacity to find the right jokes (made by the most awesomest boyz) funny. Females may also fashion their timing and interests so as to appear quirky, effectively duping the men around them into thinking that they are “fun” and “cute.” (See: Juno). Both of these traits are probably evolutionary adaptations enabling higher marital success rates.

              Since the conclusion of the 2008 presidential elections, the "Anyone But Hillary" foundation has devoted it’s funding to advertisements for films such as He’s Not That Into You, and Rumor Has It. “We just want to make sure we get our message out to everyone, not just that small percentage of academics and girls trying to impress academics that subscribe to Science Weekly. Hollywood is a time-trusted vehicle for proliferating a message to the philistines of the U.S. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Jennifer Aniston and Ellen Degeneres for their indirect contributions to the movement.”

Aniston’s reps refused to comment on the study, while Degeneres reportedly had to moonwalk it off (not confirmed).

Redzin

EXCLUSIVE RAISIN LEAK

2009-11-11T18:07:00.004-05:00

Oberlin, OH-

Last Chance Winter Term Opportunities from the Office of Alumni Relations

Work with Jennifer Hyman, OC ’94, teaching illiterate AIDS patients the ancient Japanese art of paper folding, Origame, at her clinic in Orlando. 2 EAS credits.
Intern needed for documentary in production. Filmmaker Reagan Vorthees, OC ’99, is following another man’s quest to truly “see through gender.” No experience necessary.
Unpaid internship at the SeaSide Pharmacorp. Levi Scheitzel, OC ’88 is chairman and CEO of Seaside Pharmacorp, a leading supplier of sustainable medical equipment, including the reusable cotton swabs integral performing pap smears on endangered squid.
Personal assistant to Dr. Meredith Sierra, OC ’79, of the Cleveland Clinic. Dr. Sierra is an expert in the fields of Dentistry, Transplant Operations and Veterinary Psychology. At the moment, she is preparing perform the first ever successful replacement of a patient’s eyes with a pair of donor ovaries.
Travel to Madagascar and teach homeless children how to play hopscotch at the Oberlin-in-Madagascar Institute for Bodily Culture. $10,000 in grant money available.
Skylark Johnson, OC ’05, founder, director and head of trustees of the Portland, Oregon based Firewood Crafts Collective will need a personal assistant after his eyes are replaced by a pair of ovaries in an attempt to “see through gender."
Filmmaker Rayzen Hite, OC ’00 is currently in the process of filming a documentary about the preproduction process of another filmmaker’s quest to make a documentary about Skylark Johnson, OC '05
Assist Wendy and Oliver Perez as they perform sustainable pap smears on the endangered squid off Africa’s Gold Coast.
Learn the secrets of the restaurant trade, including cooking with post-operation liposuction fat at Sandhra Corman’s (OC’84) nose-to-tail bistro in Fort Greene.
Interested in donating your ovaries? Contact Tracychapmyn96@yahoo.com

Braisen

S.E.E.D. House Residents Resort to Cannibalism in Last Hours

2009-11-11T13:28:00.005-05:00

Oberlin, OH-

In what Oberlin Police described as a "horrific" scene, the mangled body parts of the members of Oberlin College's S.E.E.D. House were found strewn about the College residence hall in what officials have deemed an act of cannibalism. None of the S.E.E.D. House residents survived the gruesome incident.

The members of S.E.E.D. House are believed to have turned to cannibalism in their final hours as the last of their energy and food stores dwindled in the dead of night. As the warm summer temperatures faded away, the S.E.E.D. House garden located in front of the residence has been yielding less and less food. The final harvest of the season, which was gathered last Friday, consisted of only 40 garbanzo beans and a few rotten gourds and pumpkins.

"We can't really be expected to live on garbanzo beans and gourds, but the College isn't exactly supportive of us," said S.E.E.D. House resident Harold Dauchan in the last known interview with a S.E.E.D. House resident. "We haven't had drinking water since before fall break. We have to put a bucket under the sink and then drink the dirty, soapy water when we're done washing our hands. It tasted bad at first, but I guess I'm used to it now. I'm just so hungry," added Dauchan as he licked his lips in a hauntingly foreshadowing manner.

It is believed that Dauchan initiated the cannibalistic bonanza after the last of the garbanzo beans and rotten gourds had been steamed and consumed by the rest of S.E.E.D. House's residents. "We think he began to hallucinate that his roommates' heads were Jack-O-Lanterns, and then he just started taking large bites out of their heads," said Oberlin Chief of Police Frank Bianchi. "Additionally, the situation probably wasn't helped by the fact that the lights in the residence had been turned off to save power, which ensured that no one could find the door when trying to escape Dauchan during his cannabalistic rage. We're guessing that after a few minutes, the rest of the residents began to fight back. None of them survived in the end," added Bianchi with a look of disgust on his face. Passersby describe hearing a male voice bellow "ENOUGH OF THESE FUCKING GARBANZO BEANS" followed by evil laughter and gutwrenching screams of terror.

Last year's S.E.E.D. House occupants made it to the first snowfall before the first incident of cannibalism occured. Then college senior Lucas Brown bit a fellow S.E.E.D. House resident on the arm and consumed a small portion of her flesh. This year's cannibalism reiterates the fact that sustainable living on campus is possible only in theory and can have quite awful consequences when put into practice. "It's just not a good idea to keep trying this," said President Marvin Krislov. "Sustainability is great, but not when it's costing students their precious flesh, bodily fluids and in some cases their lives."

The bloody remains of the S.E.E.D. House residents will be left in their current condition and will be available for viewing as an auxiliary exhibit of the Allen Art Museum called "Sustainability, Cannibalism and the 21st Century" from today until the end of the semester.

Daddy Raisin

Op Ed Piece: You Can Tell a Lot About a Person by What They Type in Emails They Send to Themselves to Print Attachments at the Library

2009-11-10T22:07:00.003-05:00

We've all done it. Sent ourselves emails with attachments so that we don't have to haul our laptops all the way to Mudd in order to print our precious documents. Though sending emails to ourselves is common, the subject lines and bodies of those emails vary greatly from person to person. The text within these fields can give a startlingly complete picture of a person.

Some self-mailers will take the easy way out of the situation, and put "asdf" (or some variant)* in both the subject line and the body of the email. People who subscribe to this method of thought are simple, and do not self-indulge. They don't like to waste time and see no humor in the functional yet silly process of emailing themselves.

There are others who will put something like "Important Datum" or "My Paper" in the subject line, and "Here's your paper for college" or "This is your assignment, Their Name Here" as the body. Apparently these people need a reminder (from themselves) to remember the significance of the email when they log into their OCMail in Mudd. These kind of people see even less humor in the situation, and tend to be very boring.

Next is my favorite category. People who like to have a li'l fun with the whole thing! There are a few select people (I myself have become one recently) who enjoy putting goofy things as the subject line, and even goofier things as the body! I love getting emails from myself that say things like "Me again!" or "Note to Self" in my inbox. There's nothing sillier! For the body, a few of my personal favorites include "Arbitrary text" or "Hey, it's you again! How did you log into my email account! Oh wait, you're me!". Just silly things like that. Messing around in third person can be great as well. "Hey your name here, it's just me, shooting you an email!"

If you really need a pick-you-up, attach yourself the song in your iTunes with the highest play count! Then you're guaranteed a special treat to listen to while you download your attachments!

In conclusion, this world would be a better place if more people had fun while sending themselves emails. It can spice up your day and put a smile on your face. It really does the trick!

*More variants below

asdf
asdfasdf
fhghfhghfhg
asdfhhjklasdhfjkl
asdkfj; laksjdf
qwergtyuo[
afafafasfasdf

Daddy Raisin

Oberlin College Administration Prohibits All Eye Contact

2009-11-10T00:53:00.013-05:00

Oberlin, OH-

As a reflection of the current behavioral trends of Oberlin students, the administration of the College has effectively banned all eye contact between any two people on campus. "As it is students never look their professors in the eye, and they absolutely never look one another directly in the eye," said President Marvin Krislov.

Data from eye contact studies conducted in Wilder Bowl, the mail room and Dascomb dining halls suggested that though students often try to convince themselves to look their peers in the eye, they tend to lose courage only steps away from the other person.

A few departments on campus are concerned with the ban, though the administration says they should be able to work around it. "How do you expect conductors to succeed if they can't look members of their orchestras in the eye?" said Conservatory Dean David Stull. "Chamber groups will also have serious issues with the ban. I don't know what they'll do," he added.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are a few places on campus that will function in exactly the same manner as they did prior to the ban. For example, the hallway between DeCafe and the mail room has never had a single incident of eye contact since the construction of Wilder Student Union. Additionally, most students in dormitories on campus never look their neighbors in the eye even though they live in such close proximity. "One would think that after living next door to someone for an entire year, going to the bathroom with them and seeing in the laundry room, that people would look into each other's eyes, but that's not the case," added Krislov.

The Raisin will follow the story and post updates as they unfold.

Daddy Raisin

Women of Canton Desperate for Sex

2009-11-07T17:33:00.003-05:00

Canton, OH-

The women of Canton, Ohio are so sex-starved that they have turned to internet advertising in order to seek out male partners for intercourse. On thousands of sex-oriented web pages Canton women between the ages of 18 and 22 are taking advantage of the internet's power to spread information.

With usernames such as "tannedSurprise" and "just2hotncute," these young women upload enticing photos of themselves to grab the attention of men, who can click on the advertisements to contact them. When asked about her ad Kayla123 said "I guess I'm just looking for a man to hold me, tell me he'll love me forever and then to fuck me. I'm really horny."

Experts are unsure why Canton's population of attractive single women is so dense. "The population of Canton is 80,000. Females make up 80% of that population. The mean age of a Canton woman is 20 years old, and the average cup size is 36 C. That's significantly higher than the mean cup size of the average woman in the United States," said breast expert Harold Bialetto.

Single Canton women will be bussing in to the Oberlin Campus during Safer Sex Week in order to seek out males for sex. There will be tables set up in the basement of Wilder and in Wilder Bowl, weather permitting.

Daddy Raisin

DeCafe to Carry Yogurt-Covered Adderall

2009-11-06T12:30:00.002-05:00

Oberlin, Ohio-

In a surprise move, Oberlin College has announced that it will carry yogurt-covered Adderall in the DeCafe Eatery located in the basement of Wilder Student Union. Though many oppose the College's choice to sell the prescription psychostimulant in bulk, the College stands by its decision. "Adderall undoubtedly increases the amount of work that Oberlin Students can achieve per unit hour," said a press release from the Office of the President.

Since last year, Oberlin has slipped from the 13th highest ranking liberal arts college in the United States to the 22nd. "If we can do something about it, why wouldn't we?" Added President Krislov's Office. Studies have shown that Adderall can greatly increase focus and the amount of time students can stay awake. The College has distributed forms to the Offices of Student Health that mandate prescription to every Oberlin student so that there is no red tape when students go to check out at DeCafe.

"We just hope it will increase business," said Molly Tyson, head of CDS at Oberlin College. "DeCafe has pretty much gone down the drain. We're hoping that by selling yogurt-covered Adderall, we can increase our profits and hopefully go back to the model we were at last year, where we were able to close at 1 A.M."

Azariah's, the cafe located in Mudd Library, will also carry Adderall dosed coffee.

The changes will be implemented this Monday, November 9th.

Daddy Raisin

Body of Albus Dumbledore, Oberlin College Headmaster, Found at Base of Peters Hall

2009-11-05T20:09:00.002-05:00

Oberlin, OH-

The achingly sad lament of the phoenix was the only sound that could be heard this morning as it echoed throughout the flat, barren campus of Oberlin College. Though classes were canceled on the day following the death of Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, some students had ventured out of their dormitories. Red-eyed and somber, a group of students used their wands to magically paint the Tappan Square rocks in Dumbledore's honor. "Dumbledore's Army Forever," read one of the giant painted boulders. "We miss you Dumby," said another.

Professors and students alike expressed their disbelief concerning the incident. "I can't believe it. He's been here longer than any of us," said Capoeira Professor Justin Emeka. "He taught me everything I know."

"He jus'... Wen' up ter his office an' then nex' thing ye know, he's gone...Didn't even get ter say goodbye," sobbed Groundskeeper Rubeus Hagrid as he was comforted by his sister Mama Sco.

Oberlin students and staff weren't the only ones paying their tributes to Dumbledore. The older man with glasses who frequents Oberlin student parties was seen awkwardly navigating the makeshift memorial outside Peters. Dumbledore's brother Aberforth (more commonly known to students as the older man who sits in a green pickup truck at the intersections of Main and College streets on weekend nights) had come out to pay his respects to his brother. "I mean, I miss him, but I loved kids just as much as he did. Why do you think I spend so many cold nights in my pickup?" said Aberforth, whose blue eyes were just as piercing as Albus' were.

As the phoenix song died down the bells of Finney Chapel could be heard. Following the bells, the Oberlin College Quidditch Team gave a bizarrely non-aerial tribute to their fallen Headmaster in Wilder Bowl.

During his tenure at Oberlin College Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore worked tirelessly to achieve cameraderie between Wizards and Muggles, as well as ease tensions between Conservatory and College students. "Though he is gone, Dumbledore's impact on Oberlin will be appreciated by every student who attends the College. He made Oberlin a safer, better place for students," said Director of Safety and Security Marjorie Burton.

Until further arrangements are made, Head of Gryffindor House Phyllis Yarber Hogan will be the interim Headmistress at Oberlin. "Though I am as sad as any, I know that Dumbledore would have wanted other Professors to make sure that students stay on top of their academic deadlines," said a visibly shaken Yarber Hogan. "He just *sob*... would have wanted me to remind all of you that Monday, November 9th is the last day....*sob* is the last day to register for Winter Term Internships through Career *sob* Services..." Yarber Hogan added as she lost composure and collapsed into the arms of Kimberly Jackson-Davidson, head of Hufflepuff House.

Memorial Services will be held in Warner Mainspace this Sunday, November 8th at 3:00 (after the remnants of James Winneson's masterclass are cleaned up). Students, staff and members of the greater Oberlin College family and community are welcome to attend and should wear their finest dress robes.

Daddy Raisin

SHUT UP DAD!!!!!11!

2009-11-05T17:49:00.002-05:00

Mom, Dad Just Don’t Understand

LAST UPDATED 14:05:23—(OBERLIN,OH) It has been reported that Mom and Dad are still fighting after an apparent incident involving the coffee grinder. This latest episode is only the latest in a growing list of confrontations, adding to widespread speculation that Dad, 47, cheated on Mom, 45, with a Peruvian whore last month on his perennial business trip to Reno.

“I didn’t do anything,” said Dad in between bites of a tuna sandwich. “I love you kids.” However, upon his return, his suitcase was found stocked with a number of wrinkled cocktail napkins from Peggy Pariah’s Pleasure Kingdom, as well as a Turkish robe smelling strongly of fisheries. Dad offered no comment on the source of the napkins.
“We both love you very much and Mommy and Daddy want to let you know that whatever happens, it’s not your fault,” said a tearful Mom, mother of three. In recent days, Mom has been seen walking aimlessly around the house and watching reruns of I Dream of Jeannie. Also, she has not made us lunch, which she always used to do.

“It just gets so lonely...being this [old],” added a forlorn Dad. “She used to be such a sex pot. We’ve done every position in every room of this house. Now she only lets me have it on our anniversary. And she insists on turning off the lights.” Dad has been staying at a Holiday Inn off Route 58 for the past week and has no immediate plans to return.

We miss you, Dad.

Raisincrantz

TROJAN® HER PLEASURE™ VIBRATING TOUCH RELEASED AMID BUZZ, CONTROVERSY

2009-11-05T15:18:00.002-05:00

Oberlin, Ohio-

Oberlin College is in a frenzy today over the much anticipated release of the Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Vibrating Touch. Retailing for the low low price of $19.99 (with free S&H), the Vibrating Touch offers the stimulating benefits of a full-sized vibrator with the convenience of a finger glove.
“I’ve just been so frustrated with my other vibrators. They were large and bulky. People gave me weird looks. Now, when I’m in class, no one suspects a thing,” says Jamie Shondaberg, OC ‘11.
To some, however, the release of the Trojan’s new personal vibrator reignites the age-old debate of gender equality in autoerotic practices.
“It’s just not fair,” says Edward Shtein, OC ‘13. “My Fleshlight doesn’t even fit under my desk.”
Responding to the growing buzz around campus, Oberlin President Marvin Krislov took a neutral stance to the “many uses of a vibrating personal finger glove”, but expressed concern for the “environmental sustainability” of the product.
The Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Vibrating Touch will be sold at the new sex shop on South Professor, as well as the dry goods aisle of Décafe. It can also be purchased directly through the product’s website.

Raisincrantz

Carving Pumpkins

2009-11-05T02:04:00.004-05:00

My father was a tired man.
His eyes were red
Tired.

When the mid-October leaves shriveled in small
Flakes across the lawn he would sit,
Knife pressed deep into pumpkin flesh─ cutting shapes of
Eyes and jagged teeth,
His finger nails stained
Yellow from pumpkin guts.

When he finished a pumpkin, he placed it in the
Garage, between the rusty shovels and gardening
Hose. They piled up. They
Rotted─ flies chewing on the festering
Flesh.

One day my father
Ran into the house screaming as if his eye
Sockets were on fire. He had a carved
Pumpkin placed over his head
“This is my art” He said.

Sun Laid

James Winneson, OC ’92, Inventor of “Bukkaké” Returns to Oberlin to Speak, Hold Masterclasses

2009-11-05T01:16:00.001-05:00

Oberlin's Prodigal Son Returns at Last

In 1992, Oberlin College graduated one of its most brilliant, hardworking and talented students of all time. Though the College suffered a great slump following his graduation, Oberlin College announced yesterday that James Winneson (OC '92) was returning to his alma mater as part of Oberlin's 2009-10 Convocation series and to hold masterclasses.

Winneson is credited with inventing the phenomenon currently sweeping the professional pornographic world; "bukkaké". Bukkaké is an exciting new aspect of modern adult entertainment and is considered by many in the industry to be the future of pornography.

Oberlin Students are eager to hear Mr. Winneson speak at Finney Chapel this Friday at 8:30 PM. "It should be a pretty interesting program. He's got a lot of interesting ideas floating around in that big head of his. If he can speak like he can ejaculate, the students are going to love every minute of his speech," said a joint press release from the Finney Lecture Committee and the Office of the President. "The Oberlin Convocation series has included such names as Newt Gingrich, Ed Helms, Ralph Nader and Toni Morrison. We're really eager to add the distinguished James Winneson to the list, especially because he's an Alumnus." said another excerpt from the press release.

Winneson will be holding masterclasses in Warner Mainspace on Saturday, November 7th and Sunday, November 8th from 1:00 PM until 3:00 PM. There are 19 male slots on each day, and one female spot. Positions in the masterclass are on a first come, first served basis. Females applying for positions in the class should dress lightly and bring a bukkaké tarp. If you do not own a bukkaké tarp, they can be rented for $5.00 at the Oberlin Sexual Information Center.

Daddy Raisin

Disenchanted With Your Student Writing Organization?

2009-11-04T21:21:00.000-05:00

Become a Junior Associate at "The Raisin"! LLC ® TM

Because of its electronic format, "The Raisin" can fully guarantee that no one on campus will be using physical copies of your hard work as toilet paper, a guarantee that cannot be made by other student newspapers on campus.

The Raisin accepts all kinds of submissions; poetry, news, interviews, reviews of things in pop culture, weekly columns, etc.

Shoot us an email at oberlinraisin@gmail.com if you're interested in writing for us.

Student Animal Rights Activists Uproarious After Flannimal Carcasses Found Rotting in Arboretum

2009-11-04T17:41:00.001-05:00

Arboretum, Oberlin, Ohio-

Thirty cuddly, innocent flannimal carcasses were found rotting this past Sunday, scattered throughout the town of Oberlin’s most beautiful recreation area. These native creatures have been roaming Ohio for thousands of years living peacefully amongst its natives. However, the migration of students from the Bay Area and “The City” to a certain college in Lorain County has resulted in a rapid decline in their population. Since the release of Girl Talk's "Night Ripper," these valiant animals have reached number three on the world’s most endangered species list, barely staving off all-out extinction.

Finding one third of their total population slain and rotting in the Arb this past weekend is thus even more unsettling. But these college students are relentless in their pursuit of their flannel hides. They use their supple skins for fashion, to fit in and stylistically impress their peers. Hunting these slow animals using the “hunting knife” application on their iPhones, these oftentimes malnourished college students violently eviscerate them, leaving them skinless and suffering. Students then sew their hides into shirts and wear them around campus without thought or concern for the flannimal blood that will forever stain their hobo-gloved hands.
Some of the slightly less evil students try not to waste any part of their kill.
For example their horns are used for producing wildly unique framed glasses and their blood is the secret base ingredient for Pabst Blue Ribbon Ale. In fact, PBR’s success can be directly linked to the population swell of flannimals during the winter of 1896.
In an interview, Oberlin College Freshman Maggie Field was quoted as saying "I really love animals, but I was just trying to fit in, so I went to the Arb and brutally murdered this poor creature." These irresponsible murderous students must be stopped. Uncle Raisin urges you to join “The Coalition” which will fight for the rights of these animals by inappropriately forcing you to call secretaries of state senators who have very limited authority. Our ultimate goal is to assist the propagation of the flannimals to get their numbers back up to pre-Girl Talk levels. If you do not join “The Coalition” you will be stared down and harassed by some skinny guy growing his first beard, who you will notice sitting at a table in Wilder between DeCafe and the mailroom. If Uncle Raisin were you, he would accept his flyers and join the email list like a good little Raisin.

Do help save the flannimals!

Uncle Raisin

Students Discover Hoards of Treasure Buried Directly Beneath Center of North Hall

2009-11-04T09:16:00.001-05:00

Early this morning Oberlin College students discovered chests full of galleons, stockpiles of old swords and more under the middle of North (Langston) residence hall. Excavation had been in progress since the beginning of last academic year and was completed bright and early today. Among the more disturbing discoveries of the day was the fact that North Hall has rested precariously on countless pillars of human skulls since its construction in 1963. "I can't imagine that those skulls are very strong, but if they've been supporting an entire dormitory for 45 years, more power to 'em," said Keith Watkins, Oberlin's Director of Facilities Operations.

The treasure will be distributed evenly between the four students who have been working at the dig site with a slightly larger portion going to college sophomore Z'hed Armhét, whose idea it was to dig beneath the residence hall. "I just looked at ze blueprints ünd I realized zat zere might be treasures beneath ze center of ze building for vatever reasons. Ünd zen I started ze digging, which vas possible mit ünd grant from ze Office of Winter Term," said Armhét, his voice muffled by the dense skull dust floating in the area near the excavation site.

After hearing the news of the discovery residents of Oberlin College's South Hall purchased shovels and began to dig away at what they believed to be the direct center of the building in hopes of finding more treasure. Engineers were standing by to ensure the structural integrity of any possible "South Campus Skull Temple" beneath South Hall.

The Raisin will be conducting investigative research to determine who is responsible for the many tons of treasure discovered beneath North Hall and will publish information as it is obtained.

Daddy Raisin

Robert Steiner, Eurhythmy and the First Black President: A Retrospective Look on Anthropocacy in America

2009-11-03T21:26:00.001-05:00

Robert Steiner was a sick dude. He thought about a lot of stuff. I’m still a little fuzzy about what he did as a job, because im drunk. But he had a shitload of free time. If I learned anything from his books, it woud have been to think about things and then teach people about them because that better than getting a real job. He didn’t even have to writ a lotof stuff. People just did that for him most of the time. His life was his job, like William hungg. He was from germany and had a cult that followed him and only wore green clothes because they all had brown eyes. I lkike to think that Rudolf stiener also invented the fade haircut. kno one knows but he is the person that Rudolf the red nosed raindeer was based on. He had a red nose because he loved the smell of tomato sauce and had bad depth perspection. I digest…
Eurhythmy is about Rudolf steinerz learning disability called restless leg syndrom or rls (incedently the syndrom was originally called Rudolf “leggy” steiner because that was his nickname and he was the only person that had it). Eurhythmy was more than just one man and his perpetually shaking legs… It was a phantom, or as lamemen call it, a “phenomenon”. Basically the neurons in our heads are linked to potassium levels in our esofogi. Eurhythmy uses the body to access the mind and fuck the rest of it. its about speaking with arms and legs, or with eyes (this form of lasic-eye-eurhythmy was invented by a man with no arms, corky vladominic) In 1945 WW2 started. In 1976 eurhythmy became a popular medium of expression for peoples with turrets, that means they don’t care about their body and only focus on mental procedure) incedently the first turret to try eurhthmy worked in a china shop, and was subsequently fired because after he stopped caring about his buddy he broke all the china. His nickname was “elephant man” because his face was deformed.
In my research I found a letter from reudolf steiner to the first black president of the united states. It reads:
Dear MOrgan Freeman,
Congratlations on ze gruuueat verk zat you hav been doing for ze country! Im like totallllly ein hug fan uv all uv zee muviez ver u are ze vise old man mit graaet advice. You remind mineself uv mineself. Hahahaha, graaaaet!!! Vell im hoping zat zis letter findz u completely upschtein und having a great first vunhundrud dayz!!!!
LUV,
Robert “up” schteiner
Obviously rudolfo was not a golfer. He was a poet, an astronaught, a pillowsopher. And even a father (theoretical), when he was born in 1903 his mother breast-fed him for thirteen years. This is now considered embarrassing; at the time it was a sign of knowledge. Reudolf later suffered from what his best friend Freud called the “oedopus rex” complex (period). Unfortunately all documentation on his early life was destroyed in the Chicago fire of 1871.
Bye lazin' craizin

Oberlin College Accepts First Non-Jewish Applicant

2009-11-03T17:08:00.003-05:00

Student Body Eager to See First Foreskin on Oberlin Confessional's "Genital Thread"

Yesterday the Oberlin Admissions Department announced that it had accepted the first non-Jewish student in the history of the College. "Whether or not he will attend is up to him. We're really hoping to mix it up a little bit here. As the first college in the nation to accept both women and students of color, Oberlin is eager to announce its decision to accept non-Jewish applicants," said Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid Debra Chermonte.

Oberlin students are abuzz with the news and have been wondering if he will have blonde or red hair, or even perhaps be hispanic or asian. "It should be really great to see what he looks like, if he decides to come here that is. I've never seen a non-Jewish person before other than on TV," said College freshman Amy Dierksenn.

Much of the student body was also excited at the prospect of the student, Andrew McDougal, exposing his genitals on Oberlin Confessional. "Foreskin!? I'd kill to see foreskin. I heard it's really weird, and I can't wait until Andrew posts photos of himself on OCon," added Dierksenn.

The Raisin will be following this story with updates about McDougal's decision process and whether or not he decides to attend Oberlin next fall.

Daddy Raisin

Security Cameras Installed in DeCafe, Stolen Immediately Thereafter

2009-11-02T14:04:00.001-05:00

At approximately 10:00 AM on Tuesday, October 27th 2009, Oberlin College maintenance workers installed three security cameras in the DeCafe eatery located in the basement of Wilder Student Union. Immediately after the maintenance staff left the premises, the cameras were stolen by Oberlin students. The cameras were believed to have been stolen along with several bottles of Naked Juice, a bag of Backyard Barbecue Kettle Chips and a lock of hair from the cashier who was sleeping at the front register. "The kid just carried in a stepladder, got up on it and removed all the hardware. He said he needed it for an independent film he was working on" said College junior Handél Salisbury

The theft is not currently under investigation by the Office of Safety and Security. "Kids steal stuff all the time. Do you know how expensive a meal plan is? With tuition costs skyrocketing, it's not unreasonable for students to be stealing. In fact, not having cameras will allow us to turn a blind eye to all of this, which I think is great" said Marjorie Burton, Director of Safety and Security. All attempts to interview DeCafe staff were met with blank stares.

The College is not considering replacing the cameras. Instead, DeCafe employees will be given blindfolds as they clock in for their shifts in order to make pillaging DeCafe's goods easier for the student body. DeCafe personnel hope that the changes will increase business lost due to the reduction in DeCafe's hours.

Daddy Raisin

The last few minutes of footage from the
DeCafe cameras can be seen below.